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A "love, any love, shows us in our nudity, misery, stillness, nothingness", this strong phrase by C. Pavese summarizes the end condition of ended love. The predicament gets harder while reflecting on it. Reflection that can take to severe states of depression due to sense of guilt, loss of self esteem, loss of trust and willingness to self inflict pain, considering the outcome. A path is considered in order to overcome the end.
First of all acceptance of the end is necessary. The end has overwhelmed us like the sentence by Pavese. Without acceptance any further action is uneffective. This seems obvious but it isn't . At the beginning if the end suddenly happens and unexpectedly denial takes place or minimization, believing in one reconsideration takes place, that confusion took place or a lack of love is the culprit.
Once acceptance is effective and that love has come to real end, a drop to a desperate level of pain is triggered. A time of morning is necessary. During this time that may last days, weeks or at times months, all of the pain has to be brought to light, all of the tears be cried. Any person dear to us can support us alongside, simply listening to the painful cry.
This will alleviate pain. Inner anger should be expressed, guilt feelings should be analyzed.
Total separation is needed from the person that left us. Often in order not to suffer, a friendly relationship is kept. The illusion is that suffering will be less tearing, instead agony will linger on. Plus this attitude will only hide the hope, often unconscious, that love may come back. So in order to reestablish a relationship, slightly formal, time is needed.
Ovidio, in his work "Remedia Amoris", suggested avoiding places and situation of the ended relationship. Often the tendency is to go back to the “scene of accident” in order to symbolically relive the lost love so to alleviate pain. This is of no help. Changing all together scenario and situation of the ended love is part of absolute detachment necessary in order to overcome everything.
Acting, in the meantime, doing something positive for oneself is necessary to feel the void the loved person left.
A substitution to that dependency must be found. The new dependency has to be a positive one, something of great interest that will fulfill the deep void left earlier. This will help.
Human nature abhors emptiness mainly while looking at behaviors and human emotions. This emptiness should be partially fulfilled or dependency will be reinforced.
Philosopher Nietzsche had a saying “whatever does not kill me, will benefit me”.
The end of love represents also a moment of growth, the strengthening of personal capabilities to face difficulties.
Plus it can represent a path to better understand one self. Succeeding in all of this will surely make us stronger and wiser, better understanding of how this strong and passionate love filled preexisting voids. Often strong feelings are not due to longing for the loved one, but due to fulfill previous love deficiencies.
Rebuild “passed abandonment”.
We must not forget that our way of dealing with it is linked to our “early childhood abandonment".
I can't remember who said “the child is father to man”; so very true. Better understanding about early abandonment will help us relieve present and future abandonment.
Having understood the process will help to overcome the end of a love, and change the old habit of behavior.
Don't forget “doctor time” will heal every wound. Ancient Greeks divided time in two limits. Cronos, which is a chronological time, that of the hours, day and months. The ticking of Cronos is important to overcome a love .
Some authors is of the advice that 6 months are necessary to overcome an abandonment or a mourning.
The other concept of time is Kairos, which is a personal timing, the needed time to say “enough”, time to say yes to inner change. This is the moment that makes us turn the page.
U. Saba synthesized this way “destiny slowly changes, yet one hour suffice for the down fall”.
However slow and painful this process may be to overcome the end of a love, the hour will come that will mark your knowledge of “recovery”. You will be aware that a greatest love is still there waiting to be met.
Please remember while facing deep desperation, due to an ending love, this aphorism:
“it extended itself over deep oceans,
it has risked several times to fall,
but finally it did not fall in mid air
over a great void it didn't experience falling.
There were weakening times swerving, delusions, disappointments, but “life has always had the upper hand” (P. Besson)
Traduzione a cura di Deborah Biagini
Dott. Roberto Cavaliere
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