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A relationship in a couple starts with the presumption of knowing each other quite well.
It is this specific element of knowledge the most critical and most significant to the life at two, that often leads to bitter discoveries. Often we think we know our partner well yet we remain disillusioned when after a long shared life we discover a superficial knowledge.
Both partners intentionally or unconsciously may have shared the better part of themselves, willingly hiding, to avoid rejection or to appear less desirable or still vulnerable, that part of themselves of low acceptance, a part willfully secret or even totally unknown to themselves.
This kind of behavior could seem mischievous to the other who only has partial or incomplete information about the other personality, not authentic and altogether different from the reality of specific psycho physical characteristics, relational and emotional of the person. All of the above behaviors of self protecting or manipulative thinking of doing a good “job”, soon will face the absolute negative results and these will leave place to defeat and the relationship come to an end. Inevitably on one side of the scale there will be the disappointed “betrayed” partner who missed placed trust, on the other an even deeper hurting feeling, the humiliation of having lied to oneself, with great loss of self esteem.
Here follows a list of indication to all of those people that want to accomplish a relationship.
First and foremost, a deep knowledge of the other person is necessary in order to establish the good outcome of the union, based on the need of being together. The time we desire to spend together with the partner to communicate, to play, to love, to enjoy each other, to grow, but also to face together the daily problems, becomes indirectly the time of a successful couple, that works well, and both will affirm their happiness.
For this reason all our efforts to know the other better, trying to better understand the partner will pay off; we will discover areas of activity and reciprocal emotional likeness; ultimately making the union stronger.
On the contrary the neglect of the above research will resolve in a non communicative and perfectly unknown partner, only a very careful research about the other one's world, with perseverance and curiosity will grant us the true light of the person and will shield us from unexpected surprises. The capability to ask questions and mainly to listen with an empathic ear will reveal precious, in the long journey, started to know ones partner.
The following guidelines are of commonsense, the base of a common ground, on one hand it will avoid living as strangers in a couple, on the other avoids illnesses due to routine, boredom, apathy, fundamentals also to promote interpersonal good communication keeping each other at heart and trust and for the happiness and the couple wellbeing.
Saying “I love you” in different ways.
Always find the time during the day to say “I love you”. It could seem trivial, yet if felt it is very important. You can say it in different ways (there are no limits to fantasy) : a flower could do, a hug, a thoughtful note, a phone call, a nice surprise or small attentions. This will make the person you love aware of how important she / he is.
Love has to be shown, not only declared.
It is crucial to implement true facts in order to avoid contradiction with what we say. To say “I love you” and not being there present in important occasions and during those of special decision for the couple life, equals to lie bluntly.
Sincerely and clearly communicating.
To communicate differences of opinions, a contrast or conflict, needs a calm and serene confrontation with respect and empathy and also to listen to the other opinion, without prejudice and fully aware that the apparent victory of only one of the partners over the other, equals to a defeat for both.
When possible, don't leave more than 24 hours between argument and trying to resolve problems as soon as possible.
It is highly important to remind ourselves that conflicts and contrasts are always normal within a couple and can trigger moments for reflection, the other deeper understanding, a confrontation, becoming means for an evolution and growth of the couple; yet this could turn out, like it often happens, in luck of social enlightenment, in a deadly trap for the relationship, that risks to empty itself of meaning and to become a field of vicious attacks to psychologically destroy the other.
At this point the basic question is whether the issue is to better the relationship or destroy what has already been built.
Admission of making mistakes.
This could seem to be easy, humility is required to do it. Courage, social and emotional intelligence too, a socially and emotionally competent behavior, will give an infallible strategy in 3 points:
to recon mistakes without delay
sincerely admit to be sorry after the miss up
make a true commitment not to do it again
Couples that have made a commitment to interpersonal communication, have a long life; on the contrary those who play dangerous games like “hunting witches”, hiding behind a thumb and play to massacre (it is all your fault if…) these couples have their days numbered together with the certainty to suffering.
Learn to forgive.
Love is also and for most a capacity to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of love that pertains to a generous heart. Unforgiving heart can never say it was able to love. There are situations where forgiveness in itself is difficult to give, but it represents the only way out, to be paid at a high price, but it is an investment highly convenient when we are talking of true love.
Withholding forgiveness, pride will enter the scene and a great inner void appears.
Giving up of perfectionism
A golden rule often forgotten is that no one is perfect and if strictly observed can alleviate unwanted tensions, anxiety and stress in the couple.
When there is no acceptance of our partner's limits or we don't tolerate his facts and imperfection, most probably we don't love enough or maybe (and this is even worse) have a childish and distorted version of love.
This can generate conflicts within the relationship but at that time it will be necessary to ask the true reason of the choice and give coherent answers. Ultimately, to pretend perfection in a relationship or from a spouse equals asking a horse to fly and unable to do it! Instead, it is very important to accept our own limits and that of the other and most of all to be tolerant with what we don't like in us or in the other person with whom we have decided to live a life project.
This is surely not easy, but it is a sign of great maturity and of a good inner strength.
Exalting the “us”
It seems trivial but it must be said the couple is made of two people with needs, motivations, objectives, interests, expectations and different desires and, until personal interests in the couple are still present with traits of egoism, there will be not a great opportunity to further the walk to a new emotional growth, to love and happiness.
This goal, that every couple desires, is possible to those who are both able to create at once that sense of magic “us” that is a deep feeling, based on the perception of sharing everything that build and reinforces a love relationship and needs to be nourished constantly in time.
How can we build the “us”? Firstly with that intimacy typical of very united couples, that pervades all, even the small things like small rituals and in all of those emotional moments that characterize the relationship of the couple, like going of holiday, going on a trip together, meeting for a meal, walking hand in hand, making love, having fun, enjoying moments of intimacy, but also facing united inevitable adversities of life, situation of pain and moments of sufferings, not forgetting the importance of having a common language that stays as a back ground to the couple relationship, characterizing exclusively the developing phases.
This and much more is needed; the "us" sense that encompasses also the important decision to be taken together by the couple, like that of: a house investment, work, the education of the children.
Keeping passion alive
It means to desire the other person and physically feeling in touch, sexually and emotionally feeling attracted to the other person, equally feeling open and desirable and attractive to the eyes of the partner. Together with intimacy and commitment, passion is the basic element of couple relationship, being this the most difficult aspect to be dealing with in time. The difficulty arises when many consider passion to be by nature linked exclusively to beauty, sexual attraction and physical elements rather then more intangible elements like “charm”, which is equally of great value that a person is able to irradiate regardless the age. In order to keep up a couple has to evolve also sexually so to be able to perform adequately to the sexual, emotional and loving expectation of ones partner. Many couples in the time enter a daily routine, thinking it less important to be desirable and attractive to the partner's eyes with whom probably at this point life is shared.
If beauty lessens as age advances and with it physical fitness and sexual exuberance, so true is also the possibility to learn how to enhance “charm” and inner beauty, which remain the only secret tool to maintaining a lively and involving relationship that allows the partners to grow together.
Creating intimacy in a couple.
A couple holds together to the extent to which intimacy is shared between the two.
Intimacy has a stronger bondage than passion. Intimacy has to be continually cared for and nourished by deep reciprocal trust and unconditional. Only upon this consideration it is possible to completely entrust oneself to the other, revealing ones secrets, showing ones weakness or fears, without being afraid of appearing vulnerable, frail or being judged by ones “failing areas”.
True intimacy requires, most of all courage and intellectual honesty to state ones identity, plus the consciousness that it cannot be a starting point, but an arrival one, a goal to be achieved slowly, day by day in time.
Commitment towards the partner:
is the most difficult role to be followed in a couple. In fact, commitment implies on one side the taking on of responsibility towards the partner, typically of the role, on the other side the will and the desire not to let down maintaining an adequate behavior that grant balance and stability in the couple. More specifically, the term commitment has an holistic value, that embraces different dimensions of a relationship, all of them important, they go from that of relational to that psychological, emotional and professional.
Commitment from a relational point of view means above all loyalty and respect, in the psychological dimension it means trust and help given to the partner to support the way to self realization and personal growth; in the emotional realm not only a physical presence is required, but mostly that empathic one in good times as in bad times of life; in the professional one both partners look for best ways to success to enhance one another personal resources and celebrate personal self esteem. Finally, remembering that at the end of a couple conflict, there is no winner no looser, both win, both loose. A pact is reached when both agree.
Traduzione a cura di Deborah Biagini
Dott. Roberto Cavaliere
A.S.I.P.D.A.R. Associazione per lo Studio e l'Intervento sulle Problematiche e Dipendenze Affettive e Relazionali ------------- Contatti www.maldamore.it © tutti i diritti riservati - responsabile dott. Roberto Cavaliere ------- note legali ------.Statistiche ---- Sondaggi