“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Feel each other's cup but drink not from one cup, give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone”. K. Gibran
In love dependency, love towards the other person presents itself with similar characteristics to other dependencies, having nevertheless some substantial differences: the above develops towards a person and this makes the dependency more difficult to detect and act upon.
One thing must be said: it is quite normal that in a relationship in the falling in love phase or that one of passion, there is a degree of dependency, the desire of “fusion”. This desire of fusion with settling down of the relation fades away. In love dependency the fusion desire carries on unaltered in time and on the contrary you might achieve fusion.
The dependent dedicates all of oneself to the other, to bring about exclusively the other well being rather than that of oneself as it should be in a “healthy” relationship.
The emotionally dependent in love, usually women, see the solution of their own problems that often has deep rooted origin, like in “emotional voids” back in infancy.
The partner assumes a role of savior, he becomes the focus of their existence, his absence even for a short while gives the sensation to that subject of no existence (Du Pont , 1998). Who is affected by emotional dependency does not grasps and does not benefits of the depth and intimacy of love.
Due to fear of abandonment, separation and loneliness, there is a tendency to deny ones desires and needs. A mask is put on replicating ancient scripts (behavioral) the same ones that have hindered personal growth.
For these reasons, often this type of dependent personality chooses “problematic partners”, carrier themselves of other types of dependencies (drugs, alcohol, gambling, ex.,)
This always in order to deny ones need, because the other needs to be helped; but this is a “sick” kind of help, which has become a “codependency”, making stronger the other dependency, so that may be always Ours.
In this occasion the person is absolutely not capable to leave the relationship that himself admits being without hope, unsatisfactory, humiliating and often auto-destructive, plus develops a true symptomatology like general anxiety, depression, insomnia, melancholy, lack of appetite and obsessive ideas.
There is almost always soul incompatibility, lack of respect, different and opposite life projects, needs and desires that cannot be shared and on with being seldom present significant moments of deep unity and reciprocating moments of intimacy (please look at article on codependency).
Who is affected by this type of dependency identifies with the loved person. The characteristic that equals all dependent relations of love is the fear to change.
Full of fear of every change, they hinder the development of individual capabilities and suffocate every desire and interest.
Emotional dependents are obsessed by unreal needs and unrealistic expectations. They believe that in constantly taking care of the other person their relationship will become stable and long lasting.
Unfailingly, the situation of disappointment and resentment that might develop precipitate them in fear that their relationship may not become stable and long lasting and the vicious circle begins again, at times “strengthened”.
It is not taken into account the fact that love requires honesty and personal integrity, because love is reciprocal growth, a reciprocal exchange between two people that care for one another.The addiction to fear and dependency, typical of the emotional dependence, are ultimately destined to destroy love. Whom ever suffers of the dependence is extra careful not to hurt the other one, unaware that this behavior finally will seriously inflict self hurt.
Often even though not always or necessarily, the loved person with whom we have a dependence is unreachable so in this case we can state that the dependence is based on rejection or rather, if it wasn't there, paradoxally, the assumed love would not last.
In fact the dependence is nurtured by rejection, self denial, by implicit pain in difficult situation and growths the harder when the situation unfolds. To this avail, interesting are some of the consideration of psychiatrist Marta Selvini Palazzoli.
To her knowledge, that which ties in unemotional dependency is IBRIS, the unjustified, absurd, and not a careful assumption of being able to overcome it, unaided.
The presumption is that, someone uninterested in loving them sooner or later will love them or will love them just the way they demand to.
Emotional dependence hits mainly females of all ages. They are frail women always looking for a love that will gratify them, they feel inadequate. They are women that have difficulties finding their inner self and their right to their own well being, and have not yet learned to love themselves and not to over love.
Loving one another means staying in a relationship without being dependent and without begging attentions and constantly needing confirmations.
In emotional relationship the person begs attention and requests constant confirmation because all these help them to feel secure and strong, contrasting this way the impotence, the uneasiness, the emotional void that they perceive on a personal level.
Actually emotional dependency, has not yet been classified as a pathology in various psychiatric diagnosis like DSM IV and there has been a try of entering as together with various contemplated disturbances, even though some researches developed on this field like those of Giddens, consider the disturbance autonomous.
In his view the dependency presents some specific characteristics: “the high”.
The person emotionally dependent feel the sensation of high from the interrelationship that is fundamental for their well being.
The emotionally involved person looks for the “dose”; “the doses” being, gradually increasing, of presence and time to spend together with the partner.
The absence creates a state of prostration. The person exists only when the other one is there and the thought is not enough to reassure him, needing constant and concrete signs of care.
The higher “dose” often excludes the couple from the rest of the world.
If dependency is reciprocated, the couple is self fed.
The other is seen as an evasion, like the only form of gratification in life, the day by day activities are completely neglected.
The only thing that matter is the time spent together because is the only prove of existing, without there would be no existence.
It becomes unthinkable imagining a life without the other person; all of this reveals a low self esteem, followed by sentiments of shame and remorse. There are moments which clearly enlighten this type of relating with the other, the intuition states the dependency as dangerous and this would be the time to stop.
This is quickly over powered by the dependency and this reinforces the level of personal low self esteem and this pushes harder towards the other who will welcome and forgive, very happy, at times to posses. So any attempts of redemption will die at the very early stages of development.
There are some characteristics common to all addictions, elaborated by Giddens and I would add one more, not present in other addictions, fear.
Obsessive phobic fear of loosing the loved person, fear that will be fed by every and any small negative signal perceived.
At times is enough to remain unexpectedly alone or a telephone call not received to be caught by fear of final abandonment.
More over in the person affected by this type of addiction is possible to detect a sort of emotional ambivalence that can be summarized in the Latin poet Ovideo : “I cannot stay with you nor without you”.
“I cannot stay with you” because of the pain suffered through humiliation, mistreatments, infidelities and more miss ups.
“Nor without you” because the only thought of loosing the loved person is cause of unbearable anxiety and fear.
Some of the emotional dependencies symptoms (yet far from being exhausted) :
- fear of loosing love
- fear of abandonment, of separation
- fear of loneliness and distance
- fear of showing truly who we are
- deep sense of shame / resentment and anger
- sense of being inferior to the partner
- total commitment and limited social life
- jealousy and possessiveness
I would like to make my own personal ending considerations: authentic love is borne when two single identities meet and not two halves.
Please read the article on the origin of unemotional dependency.
“When we justify his bad moods, his bad temper, his indifference, or we consider them a consequence of his sad infancy and we become his therapist, we are loving excessively.
When we don't like his character, his thinking, his behavior, but we adapt thinking that if we will be sufficiently attractive and affectionate he will make due changes because of our love, we are loving excessively.
When the relationship with him puts at risk our emotional well being and maybe our health and safety too we are truly loving excessively”. (Robin Norwood)
Having taken what said earlier by R. Norwood, follows a reflection on a metaphor.
Whom ever suffers from this type of crippling addiction, has a hope, like in the tale of “the beauty and the beast” that one day the beast will be transformed in a beautiful prince all devoted to us.
Mind you, the difference with a happy ending of the tale, is that, by always saving the beast without an evident change, in emotional addiction, the risk is, becoming like him.
In running also, the risk is of loosing the opportunity of embracing another prince that, somewhere, is waiting for us. Please forgive me the “blunt” metaphor, but awareness is needed on this.
Traduzione a cura di Deborah Biagini
Dott. Roberto Cavaliere
COMMENTS:
As your article is written in English, my comment should also be in English. Although I can agree with certain points, what is expressed seems to be disjointed and confused, but perhaps this is due to the translation.
One line I do agree with is your own consideration of true love depending on the union of two identities and not 'split identities'.
But there is also a common phenomenon about 'love' which you seem to have omitted, but to which this line can apply. That one can fall in love with the idea that one projects of the person one has fallen in love with. In such cases one tries to fulfil the role expected of the partner and this is often reciprocal in greater or lesser degrees.
Such a relationship often begins with a reciprocal sexual attraction and fascination. As the sexual novelty wears off for the female partner, she may continue to 'assume the role' to satisfy her male companion. This is the beginning of the myth. The male partner continues to fantasise that his female companion is as sexually satisfied as he, although deep down he knows that this is not true. Because of this truth that his vanity has pains to admit, his desire for his elusive companion becomes insatiable, as if he is clumsily obsessed with the idea of finding the 'secret key to the door of the magic garden'.
In an effort to compensate for the disparity from the her side, the female partner projects her own ideas regarding her male companion, which he in turn tries hard to live up to.
The union becomes an 'arrangement', living a lie. And this can last for a considerable period, especially when neither partner is fully aware of the myth they are both perpetuating.
The lie is therefore based on the reciprocal desire to project how one wishes ones partner to be. A sort of reciprocal 'mirror image projection'.
In fact it is only when one meets the person with whom one instinctively feels 'oneself' and is accepted and loved as such, that one fully becomes 'oneself'. A whole and complete individual with nothing to prove to anyone else. And this of course has to be reciprocal.
But life is such that when we are young we often fall in love with the myths that we create of others. Perhaps such initiation courses are all part of our own development. That to become 'ourselves' we have to enter a fascinating, enchanting and mythic labyrinth, and then have to go through the long and difficult process of finding our way out to freedom. That of finally being who we really are.
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