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Experience of betrayal, more then just overwhelming pain that develops, is often too considered a trauma; it stresses the fact that the other is ultimately unknown.
The betrayer reveals suddenly a perfect stranger in respect to that person thought to be so well known up to now, it does not matter who is the betrayer or betrayed.
The betrayal involves the relationship essence of the “us” not only that of “you” or “I”.
So that both partners are initially involved in the extra marital situation. The existence of the above is a sign of illness between the couple.
The unwellness of the “us” differs between men and women in the evolving of the extra marital affair.
Women link betrayal to an emotional and loving involvement, at an unsatisfactory marital union and have more difficulties in living it in hiding, even when they “hid” it better.
Men on the contrary tie this more to a sexual pleasure and don't start an extra marital affair for unfulfilled expectations with the spouse. They don't have difficulties of living it in hiding; on the contrary this gives additional pleasure and are not so clever in hiding it.
Betrayal develops in two different fronts:
that one that goes from a phase in which there are never discussed problems or resolved ones, making them feel on a verge of breaking up or to that one of actual betrayal in which the dissatisfied spouse falls into the extramarital affair.
In this phase the unfaithful denies and the other ignores signs in the relation.
A step foreword is the “revealing” that represents the most dramatic moment because it becomes a marker between a before and an after of a couple and of a matrimony.
The relation takes the marriage to a crisis, the spouse is obsessed by the problem and at this very critical stage, the decision is taken for a separation or through forgiveness a reconciliation is made.
At the beginning in the betrayal there is a regression to “adolescence” ; the sentimental scheme at this point reminds the age of deep passionate love accompanied by turbulent emotions.
There are unpredictable differences about these love stories now, but denial is used. In betrayal the relationship is kept “three meters over the sky” because it does not show dispute and daily worries typically of marriages.
Let's not forget that in time, this too can become the cause of strong anxiety, having to conciliate times and venues to be given to two different relationships.
The length of betrayal is undetermined, from a few days to years.
When betrayal lasts a long time either the marriage ends or the relation becomes a “parallel marriage”. The betrayal is discovered either by “confession”, friends may disclose this to the spouse, often the spouse finds signs like, SMS, ticket, a bill and more to awaken undoubted suspiciousness .
Causes of betrayal The most common causes for betrayal
lack of attention from the partner is voiced, communication lacks and a way out of a fake normality is sought by an extramarital affair. The betrayer is the most unsatisfied in the couple and in order to find clarity and a chance to unravel the problems in the marriage, finds a way to be discovered and so send his mayday. These are couples that invest a lot in marriage, they try to be liked, sacrifice and improve. The communication is limited to avoid conflicts. These are people educated from childhood to think that anger is negative, or will be punished when disagreeing.
These couples within this behavior are rarely serious in their threat, because they only mean to send a deeper message; immediate forgiveness doesn't help; the result being in further betrayals. The end of the marriage does not help in anyway; the couple never learn to negotiate conflicts.
There is a chance for the marriage when the relationship helps to face the problems and learns to resolve diversities.
To avoid intimacy
Facing intimacy is a common problem in every relationship; this is done in order to shield oneself from wounds and misunderstanding.
Couples are afraid of lowering down their guard and becoming vulnerable. An outside relationship that avoids intimacy is initiated after years of marriage where partners know one another well and the potential of bettering intimacy shows serious and fearful closure.
The couples are like those “free conflict” types and worry for one another.
It reminds of partners grown into dysfunctional homes; abuses or alcoholism were the norm or that where a fake façade of calmness was reflected. Both partners are involved in this type of relationship.
There are triangular behaviors known to the experts. The couple involves the third party the way available. Whom ever avoid intimacy is a great fighter. Battles can be cold or hot, but this is the only way partner reunite. The sexual extramarital affair is part of the conflict, their arguments are full of sarcasm, criticism and (personal attacks) insults.
No sense of guilt is involved. Underneath there is a great pain and fear. One would love to say to the other one “I wont to stay with you” instead they over react and take it upon someone else or something else. The anger spiral is the center of the relationship that doesn't allow furthering pursue of intimacy.
The spouse is depicted uncaring with reference to the lover, that at this point becomes a prince on a white horse, because free of daily worries.
These extramarital affairs are paradox in that they feed on romantic fantasies and avoid intimacy.
Revealing this kind of relationship can contribute to new wars and often the couple looks for help. Both partners have a lot of energy to fight and the therapeutic expert can differently use it for a constructive change. The long term perspective for this marriage is favorable, it helps both partners to see their true feelings.
Thus meeting each other needs and consequence free, a new life is instilled in the relationship.
This type of betrayal is carried on by whom fits with emotional needs to win battles and in order to conquer and receive love.
Emotionless, crushed and abused as children, they never grew up. They look for recognition in public, politics, in private, sexual conquests. The person may have many relationships yet never fill the void.
This can happen at any age and at any time in marriage. It happens more to the husband than to the wife, maybe because he has more power.
There is neglect and confrontation when the relationship ends. The unfaithful one gets upset and if the third party was known it gets on a news front pages. Conquering fascinates them, yet they are afraid of betrayal in which case they pretend dues.
The betrayer's spouse will overlook especially when it is a long dated marriage. The classical example is that of a wife of a politician having an extraconiugal affair.
Relationships like these can involve a son treating him like an adult. In this typology the unfaithful is a dependent, both spouses are narcissists. Not many ask for help even when this can reestablish equilibrium. A man like this is easily spotted, he goes on his own to therapy, he shows off verbally many relations and uses sexual terminology. He seduces, doesn't want to finish the session and asks favors.
Women in this predicament are hard to detect, often denying the relationship because of shame and tend to hide it.
These marriages hold for years, the spouse doesn't take in consideration the extramarital relationship and continuous to nurture the other's need without changes.
If the unfaithful one comes off his role the marriage ends. In order to change, both partners must consider consequences and initiate changes on the right path to healing.
Here we find middle aged men with a long history in the marriage considered a homemaker, filling no emotional transport for the wives and having married for security.
They admit not having loved their spouse and often doubted the marriage, but are open to try to make it work.
Often they dedicate themselves to the children. The family of birth had a negative role model.
They want to be the opposite to that.
A furious father generates a sweet person ; a over present mother a distant one. But a family is not a formula and when they acknowledge that the formula doesn't work, these men become frustrated.
They are not attracted to their wives anymore and start looking for something different and infidelity offers them that what marriage denies them. They stop sharing their marriage bed and communication is limited to daily routine. They don't convey the relationship as sexual, they are worried about not being able to act well within the marriage and the extramarital affairs, that becomes serious, could last several years.
Ladies are new to this kind of thing, yet they seem to start behaving the same.
There are two types of infidelity, one identifies as a game called the last chance. This is the middle aged man crisis that just doesn't end here. If much younger woman is involved, the marriage is not dead, but sick.
Only the children keep them united, yet they don't have the same role once they have left the home. The extramarital affair strengthens, excites and gives a sense of regained youth, and makes you do things you thought you could not do anymore.
The other type where the husbands, with long lasting marriage, feel like leaving their wives, feel it as almost an impossible task, so the stay at home as less as possible and come up with different excuses to stay out at night.
The extramarital affair is long, the wife grumbles, but puts up with the situation.
The betrayer is always depressed and all his energies are work oriented. If he goes to a therapist he will ask for a separation. In a woman the reasons for betrayal are the same yet the roles are different. Generally the wife is younger than the husband. The children are still at home. She looks for a man her age married or not. The relationship begins as a friendship, maybe at work.
Once involved she wants to hide the affair. Society is tough with a woman that has a lover and she fears loosing the children, the economical security, friends, once uncovered.
The woman believes she is the source of the problem if that might be the case. She wants a family she has always desired and if the husband does not share the effect she finds a way to compensate the emptiness. After the marriage the husband may have had an extramarital affair, even if discovered, the wife ignores it for the sake of the family and she does let him know she is deeply wounded.
Depressed, she alternates moment of guilt, does not reject her husband and continues to feel destroyed.
In this case unsatisfactory unions are shared, the relation is kept even though the mind is taken by another. Women can maintain the marriage while the extramarital affair lasts forever.
Traduzione a cura di Deborah Biagini
Dott. Roberto Cavaliere
A.S.I.P.D.A.R. Associazione per lo Studio e l'Intervento sulle Problematiche e Dipendenze Affettive e Relazionali ------------- Contatti www.maldamore.it © tutti i diritti riservati - responsabile dott. Roberto Cavaliere ------- note legali ------.Statistiche ---- Sondaggi